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Because life isn’t fair, Amanda.

Disclaimer: I’m writing this Wednesday night after little sleep, overwrought emotions, and little focus.  But I feel the need to get this out. Please bear with me.

happy girl

Saturday night, after a fantastic date night with Jon and an Everclear concert that was just what I needed, I found a lump in my right breast.  Nothing will ever be the same.  After a couple scary nights, I headed off to the doctor Tuesday, sure I was overreacting – that this lump was just the culmination of my allergies, stress, and Aunt Flo stopping by for her visit.  After a mammogram and an ultrasound, the moment I secretly feared all along came.

That poor doctor sat in front of me with his soft blond hair and young, sad eyes and told me he was extremely concerned by the results of the days tests.  He politely suggested I immediately make an appointment for a biopsy and as I’m valiantly struggling not to lose my ever loving damn mind, he began to say other things intermingled with apologies.

I swear he must have said how sorry he was five times.  That scared me more than anything else at the time, I think.  I kept thinking, how bad is it that he keeps apologizing.  Of course none of us know.  At least not yet.

Today I went in for a biopsy of the lump and despite what the people will tell you, that shit sucks.  It IS painful.  It’s not horrible, but it’s a lot when you consider how fragile a person’s mind is when you are standing in this place of uncertainty.

I am 32 years old.  Just barely.  And I am in limbo.

One thing I am certain of: nurses should rule the world.  The amount of compassion I have been shown over the past two days has been a true bright spot.  And one I am beyond thankful for.

Waiting for the results, due back sometime around Monday, I am trying desperately not to dwell on the possibilities.  Quite unsuccessfully I might add.

My friends and family have rallied around me in a way that I am unlikely to ever forget.  I swear I can literally feel their love and I suspect that I will lean on them all sometime in the future.  I am beyond grateful for the support system I have and the love they have shown me.

You know what really pisses me off?  That my family is having to go through this again.  SO soon after we’ve had so much loss.  Everyone in my family has been touched by a cancer loss in the last 5 years.  No one should have to endure it again so soon.  I hate the idea that I, too, will become a burden to them.  No, you can’t say that I won’t.  I know the truth, I have lived it.  You can’t lie to me.  While they may not see it as a burden, the emotional toll alone is a burden no one should ever have to endure.

Everyone keeps saying “Be positive.” and I will be…soon.  But right now, I’m scared beyond belief of a potential financial ruining, of missing important events in my girls’ lives, and of so much more.  Funnily, I am not afraid so much of the cancer itself, but rather everything it means for the rest of my life and my family’s lives.  As my nurse today reminded me, when one person gets cancer, their entire family has it.  There really isn’t any going back.  There is only forward.

And so here we go, a new life.  Because as Jon mentioned, life just isn’t fair.

**There is a link to the fundraising page and the cafe press store within the image on this site.  All proceeds go to helping our family pay our medical bills.**

See y'all later!
Amanda

About It's Me, Amanda

Amanda is a southern belle caffeine addict who spends her tiny amount of free time writing here.

21 comments

  1. Well, where do I begin? How about… I will see you so very, very soon. Be scared shitless, that’s completely okay and I will be scared shitless with you. We will be scared shitless together but I won’t let you be scared without forcing you to crack a smile, giggle or just down right bust a gut (because that’s how I do scared shitless).

    And I am just a phone call away and no matter what we learn or find out on Monday you won’t be doing anything alone, we will all be right there with you.

  2. Oh, sweet, sweet girl. I am so pissed for you that you have to go through this. And I know all too well that it’s futile to say Don’t worry or it’s probably nothing or blah blah blah because your brain is equipped todeal with worst case scenarios. It’s what Moms do. We start making contingency plans. Especially because you have seen, firsthand, that this CAN happen. It does happen. But I am praying so hard that it is not happening to you. If there is ANYTHING I can do to help, please tell me. I will fly my ^&& to where you are if you need me. You are amazing, and I miss and love you. xoxoLM

  3. You are my baby girl. You always have been and always will be. If you hurt, I hurt. The fact that you’re having to go through this at all is killing me because I don’t have the power to take this away. That’s what Dad’s do. They take the pain away for their kids. Whatever the outcome, you WILL beat this! Period. I love you with everything I am and will ALWAYS be here for you.

  4. Just so you know. It’s okay to be scared! I was too (still am). The only advice I can give is to not let it change who you are. Believe that this is just a scare and if it isn’t just a scare Amanda, believe you can fight this and win! Because your friends and family are believing the same thing for you! Call me if you need to chat. Love you my sweet friend! Xoxo

  5. I’ve been praying for you as soon as I saw your Facebook update. I’ll continue to do so until you get past this!!

  6. Lanette Crawford

    Amanda the devil is a liar! Im praying for good reports sweetie….Faith can move mountains and no you are your own person and you do not have to have what everyone else has… Love you to the moon and back!! Although not around you and family will always be in my heart and prayers…God I pray peace and comfort over this family and I pray that you show up and show out on there behalf and give them signs that you are God our healer and our hope….I know how hard it is and how much you all have been threw …Heart broken to see and drowning in tears…But im standing in the gap for you dad babies and all involved….You all we have got to take a deep breath and All have faith please…When 2 or more are gathered in his name it shall be done…..love u all !!! Love you Amanda!! In Jesus name I pray when Monday comes you will see a new light…Miracles happen in others and can happen in those who will just believe…..xxxxooo

  7. Amanda, I saw this on facebook through a mutual friend. This whole thing just sucks. I’m so sorry (and yes, those biopsies hurt).
    I will be thinking of you. I was diagnosed right before my 32nd birthday. I’m 3 years out now. If you ever want to talk. Or not talk. Or whatever, please, even though you don’t know me, don’t hesitate to reach out to me.
    xoxoxo

    • Thank you so much, Brandie. Congratulations on your success! I love those kinds of stories!! And see? People should be warned! But not scared away, it’s still important!

  8. I just caught the news on Facebook from Jill Berry and five minutes later, just about every blogger in my Facebook feed (and there are many) is posting about you, sending good thoughts and asking people to pray for you. People care, you are loved. Let us support you on the journey ahead.

  9. I am in shock. I don’t know where to begin. I am going to help you get through this and give you so much support and love. I am sure you will beat this. Praying for you so hard so so hard. Hang in there my wonderful lady. You helped me learn so much and helped me through a tough time. Hugs and love. Your army just grew by 5 of us here.

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