Disclaimer: I’m writing this Wednesday night after little sleep, overwrought emotions, and little focus. But I feel the need to get this out. Please bear with me.
Saturday night, after a fantastic date night with Jon and an Everclear concert that was just what I needed, I found a lump in my right breast. Nothing will ever be the same. After a couple scary nights, I headed off to the doctor Tuesday, sure I was overreacting – that this lump was just the culmination of my allergies, stress, and Aunt Flo stopping by for her visit. After a mammogram and an ultrasound, the moment I secretly feared all along came.
That poor doctor sat in front of me with his soft blond hair and young, sad eyes and told me he was extremely concerned by the results of the days tests. He politely suggested I immediately make an appointment for a biopsy and as I’m valiantly struggling not to lose my ever loving damn mind, he began to say other things intermingled with apologies.
I swear he must have said how sorry he was five times. That scared me more than anything else at the time, I think. I kept thinking, how bad is it that he keeps apologizing. Of course none of us know. At least not yet.
Today I went in for a biopsy of the lump and despite what the people will tell you, that shit sucks. It IS painful. It’s not horrible, but it’s a lot when you consider how fragile a person’s mind is when you are standing in this place of uncertainty.
I am 32 years old. Just barely. And I am in limbo.
One thing I am certain of: nurses should rule the world. The amount of compassion I have been shown over the past two days has been a true bright spot. And one I am beyond thankful for.
Waiting for the results, due back sometime around Monday, I am trying desperately not to dwell on the possibilities. Quite unsuccessfully I might add.
My friends and family have rallied around me in a way that I am unlikely to ever forget. I swear I can literally feel their love and I suspect that I will lean on them all sometime in the future. I am beyond grateful for the support system I have and the love they have shown me.
You know what really pisses me off? That my family is having to go through this again. SO soon after we’ve had so much loss. Everyone in my family has been touched by a cancer loss in the last 5 years. No one should have to endure it again so soon. I hate the idea that I, too, will become a burden to them. No, you can’t say that I won’t. I know the truth, I have lived it. You can’t lie to me. While they may not see it as a burden, the emotional toll alone is a burden no one should ever have to endure.
Everyone keeps saying “Be positive.” and I will be…soon. But right now, I’m scared beyond belief of a potential financial ruining, of missing important events in my girls’ lives, and of so much more. Funnily, I am not afraid so much of the cancer itself, but rather everything it means for the rest of my life and my family’s lives. As my nurse today reminded me, when one person gets cancer, their entire family has it. There really isn’t any going back. There is only forward.
And so here we go, a new life. Because as Jon mentioned, life just isn’t fair.
**There is a link to the fundraising page and the cafe press store within the image on this site. All proceeds go to helping our family pay our medical bills.**See y'all later!