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That which shall not be named…also known as the “C” word…Cancer

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All day Monday, I waited and waited and waited for the call that could change everything about our quiet life…all day, I sat in the kitchen with Jon and I stared at that phone relentlessly. No exaggeration, I began to feel what little sanity I have left slip away.  I even joked to several people that we were living the whole “watched pot never boils” story, because we were.

Two days ago, my sweet doctor called and despite it being against what they regularly do (she’s wonderful and knew how badly I needed to know the results), gave me the news.

Invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

Yes, that ugly “c” word has now been forever associated with my name.

When she said the words I already knew were coming, I literally choked on my own tears. Breathless, if you’ll allow me to be redundant, only begins to describe it.  More like the air in my lungs was ripped out of my body.  After a blessedly brief crying jag, I pulled myself together and spread the word to my network of friends and family.

Right now, for the most part, I’m focused on making sure everyone around me is okay with the news.  I am keenly aware of the fact that I am not the only one going through this, even if it IS my body.  My whole family is affected by this diagnosis, they are all broken by this, I really want to make sure they’re as okay as possible.

I’ve decided to stay positive (way easier said than done, I’m learning) and have been trying to be tongue and cheek about it.  I’m sad for what this means for us as a family, but I’m shored up by my community.

Talking to the Kids

While we still haven’t told Kathryn much about what’s going on, Kyla is aware of the diagnosis.  After gently sitting down with her and telling her the news, I took some time to answer any questions she had about the information she’d been given.  Her main concern was what the next steps would be after the surgery and what might happen if the cancer spreads.  Since so much is still unknown, it’s hard to give her the answers she seeks, be we try.  Occasionally, I find her staring at me as if she’s waiting for something to happen to me right in front of her eyes.  My sweet girl.  Her life will never be the same.  I hate that most of all.

I worry about Kathryn.  She was by my side throughout the extent of Mommaw’s illness and spent time with her all the up to nearly the end.  The word cancer scares her, I have seen the actual fear spread across her face when someone mentions the word.  I’m trying to stave off this time for her as long as possible.  I’d protect her from it all if possible.  My heart breaks thinking of how afraid she will be when she finds out.

save the hooters

What’s next

Tomorrow I head to the hospital to pick up my mammogram and ultrasound images and will try to speak with a social worker/financial adviser to work on finding a way to get health insurance.

Friday, I head out to meet with the surgeon and hopefully schedule the lumpectomy as soon as possible.  Then I see the oncologist soon after that and can hopefully formulate a plan as soon as possible.

For now I’ll sit on my porch, sling back a few Rasp-ber-itas, read my Cancer-for-Dummies book and love on the wee people.

**There is a link to the fundraising page and the cafe press store within the image on this site.  All proceeds go to helping our family pay our medical bills.**

See y'all later!
Amanda

About It's Me, Amanda

Amanda is a southern belle caffeine addict who spends her tiny amount of free time writing here.

12 comments

  1. I like the Cancer as Voldemort analogy you have going on. (I think we all know that you are Harry Potter in this story.) I can only imagine how heart-challenging sharing this experience with your girls (and Hubs) this must be. I have no words that will help with that. But I know that, with you as their mom, they will get through this period in y’alls life. Love to you and yours.

  2. Aside from your girls? Quit worrying about taking care of anyone else. Taking care of »you« will make it okay for everyone else.
    I know it goes against your nature to be the nurtured one rather than the nurturer. But this is the time, if ever, to let go and lean into your net.
    You are not alone. We love you!! 🙂

  3. I love you but don’t worry about anyone outside of you, Jon and the girls. That’s really it. Your family, though you may worry will make it through this as will your friends. It’s OUR JOB to hold you up, not the other way around. Please, don’t make me come down there and have to tell you this face to face. Hmm… I think I see what you’re doing there. 😉

    I will see you soon and I will love on you and the girls and maybe not so much Jon but I’ll give him an ample “wassup” from across the room.

  4. You precious, lady, always thinking of others, even now. Take care of YOU. That’s the best thing you can do for those who love you. It’s hard when you’re a natural “giver” to stop and let people take care of you for a while, but you have the best network in the world. (Bloggers don’t play, y’all.) Sending so much love and prayers to your sweet family.

  5. Of course you are worried about everyone else. This is you, in a nutshell. Now focus on YOU. You’ve got this. You already kick ass so you will kick cancer’s ass too. Love to you!

  6. First time commenting here. I read the news earlier this week and have been thinking about you. Take care of yourself and know that you have the best people supporting you!!

  7. Much love to you, Amanda. I’m glad you’re feeling the love and support being thrown your way. It’s real and we’re here. Your girls are strong like their mama, and I agree that they should be your only other focus besides you and your husband/family. ((hugs))

  8. As moms we always want to make sure everyone else is ok first. It’s in our DNA. Know that you have an army of other moms with the same DNA out here ready to do for YOU, what you are doing for your family. 🙂

  9. Oh girl, I’m sending love and prayers through these Internets. You are so strong and you have countless friends behind you.

  10. Hi Amanda,

    First time on your blog. Found you through the Linneyville blog. I’m somewhat divided about saying this, but I’d tend to say, you need to focus on taking care of YOU right now. Of course, you aren’t going to leave your family high and dry, but while everyone around you is dealing with your diagnosis mentally, you are actually dealing with it physically as well. I was diagnosed with Cancer just over a year ago right after turning 34 and I had a 6 week old baby and a 3 year old. My brother said, “You will have to spend some time away from your family now, so that you have more time with them later.” I appreciated the idea of thinking of it that way. I felt terrible for my newborn, I didn’t see her for about 2 weeks straight as my Mom was taking care of my kids in another city while I was in the hospital, having surgery, recovering. But, here we are a year later and she is doing just fine. Anyways, this is longer than I meant it to be. Just wanted to encourage you to be “selfish” at least every once in a while during this journey you are on. And, my family and I will be praying for you and your family.

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